The kid tries so hard, but he just keeps falling short.

Today he put up several stories related to the Kayden Kross incident, nothing like getting into the action 24 hours later!

Same for AVN, last night they post the story about Kayden and they seem to think it’s “breaking news” 10 hours after the fact, no wonder their magazine is now only relegated to bathroom reading material and their website is meaningless because it’s typically a day behind the news. There was a time when AVN was considered the gorilla of the industry, now it’s just a chimp..

But I digress.

So the little one, Rayzer, posts………

She is in jail and this is considered a very serious matter.

She’s not in jail, I mean if she were in jail that would have been cool, because it would have meant my interview with her yesterday was of the jailhouse variety. But I can assure you and the 11 readers you have left (me included) that she’s home, safe and sound, seeking advice from Mike South on her next move.

Like, really disgusting.

French toast made with breast milk does not sound appetizing. Even in my worst drug-addled nightmares would I even even dream of something as wrong as this.

But the restaurant owner thinks otherwise. He believes that since most of us were raised on breast milk, it should be included in our diet.

Maybe if Pam Anderson was our waitress and we could squeeze fresh milk from her boobies using our teeth; then maybe we’d be willing to eat the food. Other than that, I hardly doubt this kind of place would work in the United States.

And ever since the Simpsons episode where the school was using rat milk instead of from a cow, I’ve kinda been scared of milk. Plus, Dez used to drink it all so I kinda fell out of love with it in general.

So, would you eat a breast milk omelet?

If you care about this story go HERE and read all about it

Not smart.

But I had a plan: I would get a bunch of cocaine, like a 1/2 ounce, and use it to drive straight across the country without stopping. That would save me tons of time and money, I thought.

But how could I safely drive and snort at the same time? Chopping up lines was out of the question, of course, or I wouldn’t be here right now writing this. I’d be dead in a horrible car crash. Coke bullet was out too, ’cause it would take too much time to reload it.

Then my brilliance kicked in. Why not wear a button down shirt that has a pocket, stuff the huge bag of coke in said pocket, and use a giant straw that reaches my nose? That way, every time I need a toot I could just stick the end of the straw into my nostril and snort. Amazing!

Safe and convienient! Boy was I a clever guy back then…

Anyway, according to new studies, it appears that texting while driving is noW considered more dangerous than driving while drunk or on drugs.

Normally, I would say that driving stoned on weed is the safest way to drive, and drunk is the worst. Using cocaine while driving is also pretty stupid, unless you use my proven technique.

Read all about it HERE

Dick Bandit here, I’m staying with my uncle Scott while my mother Taylor Rain spends some quality time with her newborn Emma Valentina. I wanted to report that I just overheard a very long and in-depth conversation between Fayner and the actual mortgage broker who was in the middle of the entire Kayden Kross case, he too has been charged in an indictment alongside Kayden.

He had a lot to say, and uncle Scott is pouring over his notes and typing away. So expect to that interview soon.

Not enough? Tomorrow uncle Scott has an appointment to speak to THE VICTIMS, in an exclusive interview which will be posted here.

By MikeSouth

Lots of stories going around about our own Kayden Kross.  I have been aware of this situation for some time and know all the details that the other guys aren’t getting.

Trust that what you may be reading on lesser sites is factually very incorrect. The facts will come out in time, meantime AVN has spoken with me about this and I expect they are going to cover it more in depth.  When it all gets settled rest assured Kayden will tell the story here.

Hey Mike South, you stupid redneck, step away from the keyboard and go head back into the Georgia woods with your pals looking for Bigfoot, “us real journalists” have this one covered. We here at the ‘lesser sites’ will continue reporting the news while you continue fornicating with tree bark. You pathetic dipshit.

And for your own information, you redneck sow, the information we have is direct from someone interviewed by the FBI, victim statements as well as court documents. Kayden will tell you the story there??? LOL, good for you moron, she already was interviewed for this site and made plenty of comments, blaming it all on her “naivete”.

Bend over Mike, the pig in the kitchen wants seconds.

Kayden Kross can’t.

Kayden Kross has been a bad, bad girl.

Kross, an Adam & Eve contract star and whose real name is none of your business, is expected in court on October 14th to be arraigned on charges like Grand Theft (PC 487 (A) FELONY) and real estate fraud (CCC1695.3 FELONY).

The case was filed with the Sacramento Superior Court on August 6, following an FBI investigation. Kayden was arrested at LAX following a trip to New Zealand [in her blog on ClubKayden.com, she wrote that the arrest stemmed from a custody battle over a dog].

And now Kayden waits to find out her fate.

But there must be more to this story. Right?

Okay, so I went digging for a source. And I found one. This is what my source tells me…

A disabled Veteran and his wife, along with their four children, lived in a house they could no longer afford. So the house went into forclosure. Bummer.

Kayden Kross knows a morgage broker, who in April of 2006 tells her of a family that needs help and would she like to do a foreclosure bailout on the house to both buy property and help out a family in need? Kayden says yes.

So now Kayden owns the house, and the family pays her rent. Everyone is happy.

Meanwhile, Kayden buys another house the same way, and takes a $30,000 loan on each house’s equity (at 125% interest) plus another $35,000 each to go into escrow accounts. In total, Kayden borrowed $130,000 against her new houses.

Then she vanished into thin air. The morgage payments on the houses stopped being paid, and the family was kicked out.

Meanwhile, Kayden went and sold the titles for the two houses for $10,000 a piece.

She now had $150,000 that didn’t really belong to her.

That’s where her trouble started.

And that’s pretty much where we stand until Kayden’s arraignment.

I spoke to Kayden this morning, and although she informed me her lawyer told her not to talk, she did say this: “Yes, these are the alligations against me. But there is no proof of it, and the court will agree. I’ve done nothing wrong. I was young and got caught up with a shitty morgage lender. I didn’t do anything to that family, we were all pulled in to a fraudulent scam.”

A call was made to Adam & Eve, but at this time I’ve received no reply.

I’m no expert, but I believe Kayden Kross could be doing up to five years if convicted.

We’ll just have to wait and see.

If you know Kayden’s real name, you can see her case information at www.saccourt.com

I’ll throw up the details as soon as they can be confirmed.

But this is good, kiddies, and not a joke. This tasty treat will be behind bars for many, many years, and the charge is not breaking hearts. She did some bad, bad shit.

More to come.

And maybe this is racist of me to say, but as this trend started with black men I’ve always wondered the reasoning behind this since so many black men are being chased by cops and rival gangs on a daily basis and having pants around your ankles doesn’t really help one escape from enemies.

Yeah, that may have been racist. But am I right? You don’t have to admit that I’m right.

Furthermore, who the hell wants to see a guy’s boxer shorts? How is that sexy? Or cool? Or fashionable?

I think it all started when some retarded kid in the ghetto couldn’t put his pants on right and the whole neighborhood thought it looked cool cause they were all smoking PCP that day and somehow it made it into malls in Woodland Hills, Calirornia.

Fuck!

But a town in Florida has made a “saggy pants law” that prohibits men from doing exactly what I’ve just been complaining about. Good for them. They even arrested some 17 year old kid for it.

But now a judge is saying the law is unconstitutional. I hate that word. Baggy pats with the boxers showing should be outlawed worldwide.

Does anyone agree?

I remember she grabbed my plate of blow and ran off into her bedroom. She returned without it. Obviously, like the addict I was, I went looking for it. She followed close behind yelling at me and calling me a loser cokehead. I didn’t care, I just wanted my drugs back.

Anyway, I found the plate pretty quick, which she didn’t like. As I walked back into the living room with it, she slammed a door into me, which made the plate of coke go flying into the air, eventually crashing to the floor.

There was coke all over the wood floor. I wasn’t happy. Taylor was. She laughed at me. I didn’t like that very much.

So what does an addict do? They drop to the ground and use their hand to get it into one big pile, then lower their face to it and snort it up off the floor.

I wasn’t gonna let her win, was I?

Unfortunately for me, there was tons of dog hair on the floor as well as the coke so when I snorted it I also got a ton of hair in my line. I wasn’t pleased.

So why this story?

I’ll tell you. Hold your horses.

I’m reading today about two young women who tried to board a plane from Jamaica to England with 5 pounds of cocaine stitched into wigs. They got caught, obviously, and admitted they got paid $4,000 each to transport the illegal drugs.

They’re fucked royally, but not as bad as the people who would have had to snort the hair-laced coke if they got through to England with the narcotic.

read abll about their stupidity HERE

So its safe to say that we all get the picture? That porn chicks usually do things a special needs kid would? That many of them would be better off wearing a safety helmet?

Yes.

Anyway, in my pro-dog anti-porn chick existence I constantly am looking for news stories that strengthen my position. It isn’t very hard on most days. Like today, for instance…

So this German Shephard in Arizona has an owner who has seizures, and yesterday when the man seized the dog was smart enough to run to the phone, pick it up and speed-dial the button for 9-1-1. He then barked and whimpered into the phone until the cops arrived.

Could a porn chick do this? Would she be able to know the correct button to hit on the phone? Would she be alert enough to even know that the guy was having a seizure?

Probably not, ’cause dogs are smarter than porn chicks. Cuter, too.

Read the amazing story here

I wonder if this will be as big as the Brady Bunch spoof, which got all sorts of mainstream press. Most likely is my guess.

But I’ve been known to be wrong.

The trailer does look pretty funny. And J Mull I’m sure threw in some of his hilarious yet corny songs to add to what is already turning out to be a huge porn flick.

Anyway, in other news, I’ve been working on my acting in preperation for what I’m sure will be coming next year, the Silver Spoons porn. I wanna play the Ricky Schroeder role soooooo badly I can taste it. I’ll even fuck a black dude in the movie if I have to, ’cause wasn’t there an episode where The Ricker and Alfonso pound each others’ ass? I seem to recall there was one…

Check out the newest Not Bewitched trailer HERE

But the times they are a changing, said a Jew named Dylan. And boy how they change!

I’m reading today about gangs in Jerusalem, ultra-Orthodox “modesty” squads, who patrol their streets and beat up those who do not follow the strict code of the Orthodox Jew. They bring fear to the neighborhoods they watch over, and those who live there call it an act of terror.

One woman was tied up and beaten because she wears pants and sees men in private.

Crazy, right?

I’m so thrilled I’m no longer a Jew ’cause now I can see them for how horrible they truly are.

Israel has enough problems without their own kind attacking them.

It’s a crazy world we live in.

I’m glad I’m now Catholic and don’t have to deal with being a Jew. At least the Catholics beat their own kind for good reasons like being a guy and wanting a fat cock in your mouth.

Now that’s a religion I can sink my teeth into!!!

Read all about it here

So you know all the times you’ve heard a woman say, “Eat your vegetables! They’re good for you!”? Well, it is now time to find all them women and slap them across the face for making you eat all them harmful vegetables.

Yes, it is true, vegetables are bad for you. Scientists in Australia have discovered that becoming a vegetarian can lead to a shrinking of the brain!!

Really?

Yup.

You can read the whole thing HERE.

Just imagine how smart I’d be if my mother, Taylor and Staci didn’t make me eat all them fucking peas and carrots and corn! I think I’m gonna sue them all.

……………. but someone forgot to tell her it was her teeth that needed the work!!!!!!

We here at Fayner dot com wish Shy much continued success, now that she has new boobs look for Shy to take over the entire adult industry, as a performer, director, agent, dancer, accountant, therapist and all around incredible human being.

I doubt the new boobs will be enough of a distraction to miss the bottle opener!

Today is a good day. That means I heard today about his new series, titled Pound Pussy.

The first one stars Sindee Jennings, Tori Black and Kristina Rose. There are some more chicks, too, and lots of extras in the first disc. You can check out the trailer at Evil Angel.

Chances are your penis will be asking for this movie so you better go out and get it on September 15 or you’ll be sorry.

And before today I could have seen any one of those things as the main reason 9/11 happened. But now, after the information I have been given, I must say that I know exactly why the planes crashed into the buidings that fateful day 7 years to the day.

It’s all Taylor Rain’s fault.

Well, not really, but sorta.

You see, at the time just before 9/11, young TR was not in porn, but in school to become a flight attendant. When the towers came down, she became too scared to fly all day and joined the adult industry.

It is safe to say that the government saw the potential in young Taylor, and forced those planes to crash so that she would have to take her clothes off and fuck for a living on camera.

It was a pretty clever idea, too.

Must have been Cheney’s, ’cause Bush is too dumb to come up with something that intricate.

**This story in no way makes light of the lost lives of September 11th. I’m just trying to add some humor to this sad day.

It probably didn’t work, so sorry.

Did you know that once a friend of mine who shall remain nameless called me from his phone that was inside Savanna’s asshole on speakerphone?

And what I’m about to say I feel badly about because Savanna is a nice gal and was once good friends with Taylor Rain so it is difficult for me here and I will choose my words carefully from now on.

You see, Savanna has a song out called Possession, which is a gay dance track I didn’t like listening to at all.

This song sucks. It spews Beginner all over it. The melody is third-rate, and the lyrics are about as insighful as Mr. T whatever that means.

Here is a sample of the lyrics

you try to change me

but no you cant change me

cause i I’m an obsession

and im not gonna be your possession

whooo!

uh huh!

come on!

Yeah!

whoo!

uh huh!

Scary how talented this chick is, huh?

Listen to it here

Many porn chicks have tried to make it in music. Many have failed. Savanna will be one of them. The only porn chick who has a chance of becoming a rock star is Monica Mayhem, and just like every one else trying to get famous in music her chances are not good.

Anyway, I decided to check out a couple dozen yesterday to see the plots being used to initiate sex and whether they are anywhere close to being realistic.

They aren’t.

Forget the older woman seducing her son’s best friend. It happens, just never like in these scenes. A friend of my mother’s once grabbed my cock in Nantucket some years back while we were having a dinner party and she came with me to walk Rhiannon. I planned to meet her later, but I guess because she was so old she fell asleep before I could fuck her and never answered her door. Believe me, I tried breaking in. But to have the young guy show up at the house to get his homework that he forgot and the mother is there saying, “I’ve always thought you were cute” and then the anal sex happens is just pure hog wash.

Forget the college girl needing an A and her teacher offering her his cock in trade. That happens, probably often, just not in the classroom where all these scenes take place. If what Naughty America claims in their scenes are true, then everyone would be a fucking teacher, that’s for sure.

The closest Naughty America comes to reality is in their college series, Fast Times at Naughty University. Only here are the scenarios anywhere close to being like what really happens. The girl gets dumped, then goes to cry on his friend’s shoulder. She feels vulerable, he slides his dick into her soft vagina.

I didn’t find any pizza guy scenes, but there were delivery guy plots (I remember back in my nightclub working days, there was an office manager named Lois - she used to blow Uriah Heep in the 70s and I think she sucked off Sting outside the Rat in Boston on their first tour - who blew a UPS guy in one of the back offices once) and real estate plots (yeah, I’m sure!) and a whole slew of dudes who just show up in a backyard only to find a sexy chick ready to fuck.

I don’t buy it, not one bit. My penis doesn’t mind as much, but he ain’t that smart.

I’d like to make a porn movie where the guy has to take the chick out four times to expensive dinners before finally getting some play. That would make me feel better about life in general.

But that meant I had to get all my shit out of the garage to replace what they took. The fridge, which hadn’t been cleaned before being stored away, was now quite nasty and green and inside was some weed butter TR had left in there way before she was pregnant.

So I cleaned it while my mother stood guard making sure I did a good job.

Anyway, when the movers were here, I asked them if they’d mind pulling my shit from the garage and putting it in the house.

What’s in it for us? they asked.

I ain’t got any money, I said.

Too bad, they said.

Well, I shot back…I do have a closet full of porn!

It’s a deal, they shouted.

They put my shit in the house. I gave them porn. Everyone was happy as a clam whatever that means.

Some of the porn I have to admit was less than good. Extreme Associates stuff from yesteryear, real bad shit. I also gave them MILF TRAINER by Hustler, which they truly seemed to jizz over as we stood in the driveway.

Just as they were leaving I remembered that they forgot to bring in the television which weighs around 200 pounds.

Hey guys! You forgot the t.v.!

You forgot to give us more better porn! they said.

So back I went to my closet of filth and grabbed a bunch of Hustler titles for them. When they saw the huge pile of DVDs they hoisted the television and ran it to where it belonged then grabbed the porn and left.

And that is how Hustler Video saved the day

Now I remember clearly many years back (or maybe just a few) when Kisten Price first introduced me to ass cleavage. Or at least the term “ass cleavage.” I always called it plumber butt.

Anyway, ass cleavage is here to stay and I promise I won’t complain about it as long as it is just done by women with fine asses.

So what do you know? Nick Manning walks in my house with his old new jeans which make me sick just thinking about a man following jean trends like making them look like you’re cool and have worn-in jeans but I digress even though I don’t know what that means…

and Nick had fucking ass cleavage!

A guy who doesn’t plumb for a living with ass cleavage!

I find and found and will continue to find this a disgusting sight.

If you see Nick punch him in the face for me.

Right? Everyone hates the Jews who isn’t one, that’s the game, right?

Yup.

So now I hate the Jews. Smelly, ugly people with webbed feet and hairy ears.

Ewww!!

Anyway, I was reading today about a city named Dothan in Alabama that is offering Jewish families $50,000 to move there.

Now I heard about Alaska and the money they pay ANYONE who moves there, but paying Jews to move to Alabama for money?

This is awesome, as since I am no longer a Jew I obviously do not want them around me at all. And if someone is offering a Jew free money to do something you can bet your bottom dollar they’ll do it.

That’s how Jews are.

Gross.

Read the whole story here and tell all your Jewish friends about this so they’ll leave LA and Boston and NYC and Miami and go die in Alabama.

Nick Manning is hotter than you. He’s hotter than me. He’s almost hotter than Brad Pitt. That’s how awesome he is.

So obviously I was super stoked when Nick walked up my driveway yesterday to shoot a scene I allowed to be done inside that my good pal Barrett Blade was directing for Massage Parlor. Nick looked as handsome as ever, wearing a very tight shirt that looked to me to be made of mesh. I asked Nick if he’d wear a mesh tank top half-shirt if I got him one. He said no.

Anyway, I asked Nick what happened to the guy who a few years ago tried robbing Nick’s car only to stab Nick in the neck with a pen before Nick finally beat him up.

“Well, after his month-long stint in the hospital, the cops released him. Stupid move, ’cause apparently he went right out and stole another car!”

I also caught Nick all oiled up topless in the driveway checking himself out in a window and smiling. I’m not sure he saw me seeing him, but either way he didn’t stop until he had enough of staring at his glistening muscles.

That is all.

I’m the real Jew, 100% running through my blood, and here he is some Australian who converted to Judiasm and he is the Jewish porn writer?

That sucks for me, especially since I’ve just been told by my father that during WW2 my grandfather’s whole family was brought to Aushwitz and killed while he was sent to a work camp which he eventually fled and carried on the family.

How is that for a Jew? Did that happen to Luke Ford? I don’t think so. The most that’s happened to his family is that a kangaroo kicked his uncle Mert in the balls.

Hardly compares.

So I’ve thought long and hard about this and have decided to become a child of Christ.

Now maybe I’ll be known as the Catholic porn writer!

So I had to change some of my thought to cater to my new religion.

HATE FAGS EVEN WHEN THEY’RE YOUR CHILDREN

Check!

HATE ABORTIONS EVEN AFTER RAPE

Check!

HATE ANY OTHER GOD BY JESUS!

Check

This new religion is sweet. Jesus rocks!!!

Also, with the birth of Taylor’s daughter I’ve learned to see that the only thing that could create something so wonderful is Jesus Christ!

Sorry I’ve been gone so long, but I’ve been dealing with my mother coming to visit, Staci and Dez moving out, three crazy dogs moving in and something else I can’t remember..oh yeah, my best friend Taylor Rain having a baby.

But I’m back. I may or may not have found Jesus. You’ll soon know the answer….

Sorry, TR!!!!

I’ve been checking out the fence around my house to make sure that when TR’s daughter comes and her dogs are brought to me - until they’ve been properly trained to not attack her new bundle of joy - they won’t be able to sneak out and terrorize the neighborhood.

Smokie, that is; Bandit and Bella wouldn’t do something as stupid as leaving their good life of fluffy pillows to rest their head and yummy food to eat. Smokie might. She’s done it recently.

But as some doctor measures how big TR’s vagina is getting I’m thinking about taking care of 4 dogs for a month during which time my mother is coming to visit plus my sister and her new boyfriend, too.

So send some love to TR who is kinda tired of being pregnant and just wants to meet the creature that’s been curled up in her belly for many months. It should be any day now.

And is it bad to announce the name of the baby before its born?

It is?

Fuck it, I don’t care, I’ll say it anyways.

TR’s baby will be known as Gertrude Wilma Rain, the first name coming from her great aunt and Wilma ’cause the Flintstones is her favorite cartoon.

We’ll keep you posted.

Anyway, you must check out this video of a guy in Florida attempting to Kite Surf during a tropical storm. Remember that the winds are around 60 miles an hour, kiddies!!!!

He looks okay at first…then totally loses it.

What a complete dumbass…either that or the bravest man alive.

See it HERE

But mistakes are sometimes cool; Just ask the guy in Guam with two huge cocks or that chick with three 38 DD boobs! They’ll tell you how great being deformed is!!!

And so will Yoda the cat, who as you can see was born with four ears!!! Pretty fucking cool if you ask me.

Yoda was taken in by an old couple who thought the cat’s four ears were special. That’s sweet of them.

You won’t see Madonna trying to adopt that African kid with ball sacs hanging from his eye lids, will you? Naw, ’cause outside he ain’t perfect. Inside though, he has the heart of a lion!!

Read all about the four eared cat HERE

Musicians have the Grammys.

Actors have the Oscars.

Football players got a Super Bowl ring.

And I’m sure top surgeons have some statue, too, when they do amazing things.

Writers, it seems, only have the Pulitzer Prize to strive for, and anyone who knows me or a damn thing about me knows that I will never, ever, get me one of them.

So what do I as an internet gossip writer dealing mostly with the porn business have to reach for?

I wasn’t sure until yesterday when I got an email from someone telling me to check out this guy’s myspace page ’cause he lists me as one of his heros.

His name is Blackula, and he’s from Minnesota!

Oh boy, that’s it, this is what I’ve been dreaming of….having a black fan in Minnesota!!!!

Fuck the Pulitzer, right? If I can get a black fan from Minnesota then I can do just about anything.

And then I looked closer and saw that Blackula is in fact white.

That blows. I was really hoping this would be the moment I could sit back and say “I’ve finally made it.”

But I can’t.

Fuck you, Blackula.

And for the record, he lists Michael Stefano (the porn actor), BIll Clinton and Hunter Thompson as his other heros.

I think I have a better chance becoming a fireman and saving cats from trees. ’cause the best award for a fireman is the hug from a little girl who just got her kitty Max back.

Or something like that.

He said afterwards that he meant no harm to ugly chicks, just that the area is perfect for the “beauty-disadvantaged” to score a good man.

Listen, the guy is just doing his job here. He wants to keep his people happy, and obviously knows no hot chick is gonna move to Queensland and that calling for less-than-hot chicks to come and find love is the best way to keep his city happy.

The whole story is available here

Today is Taylor’s birthday, and we were hoping it would also be the birthday of her daughter but she hasn’t decided to come out of her mommy’s belly just yet!

Anyway, happy birthday from all of us here at ScottFayner.com!!!!!

many think Bigfoot is just a hoax, that a creature of that size couldn’t hide forever. Some even captured the beast on video, but skeptics were always quick to call them fake.

Now two guys say they’ve found a dead carcas of Bigfoot. They stuffed him into a refridgerator.

The thing, they say, is 7 feet 7 inches and weighs 500 pounds.

The body is now being tested to see if it is in fact Bigfoot.

Read the story here

With school shootings being as common as some Senator being caught with his pants down or hands in the cookie jar, one would think someone could come up with a program to either weed the crazy kids out or heal their anger.

But c’mon, not in America! Especially not in Texas!

So what is Texas doing about keeping shootings out of their state?

They’re allowing teachers and staff to carry guns to school.

Smartest thing I’ve heard all day. That will surely deter any kids from going nuts, right? Or will the teachers with guns be the first ones shot and killed?

Laughable. Read the story here

In that case, you got problems, and shouldn’t come back to this site ever again.

Just kidding. I love you all.

Anyway, I saw Darkko last week and he handed me this movie from his trunk called Wet Food 2. Lana Croft is on the cover, and she is holding a bowl under her mouth. Five erect dicks circle her face, she reaches for one with her lips. It is quite possibly the most romantic thing I have ever seen in my life.

Testa tells me the scene with Annette Scwartz is gross even for him, and he loves them German bukkake flicks.

Let’s just say I skipped through this movie with my hand covering my eyes most of the time. Sorry, I just don’t like seeing that many dicks in my porn.

Is that to say I like seeing that many cocks other times? No.

But Darkko is fucking amazing, no matter what he does with a camera. He is the best this business has to offer.

People want movies where chicks suck many, many dicks? Darkko will deliver this better than anyone as is evident in Wet Food 2.

In this time of Olympic Fever, I’m happy to see penises of different nations and colors getting along long enough to slap around a whore and douse her with semen. It shows that there is hope for this planet after all.

I bet that if all the world leaders did one of these scenes together with a dirty whore there would be no more war after that.

You can quote me on that.

But I must admit that this new Not Bewitched XXX really has me excited; you see, I was a huge fan of the show back in the old days - well, not the old, old days, but the old days - and these days I’m a huge fan of Jenna Haze and Teagan, both starring in the porn remake of the popular show from the 60s and 70s.

Sasha Grey is in it, too, but I don’t know who she is. I hear that she’s kinda hot, and that’s good enough for me!

Anyway, the flick is coming out September 23rd from Adam & Eve Pictures/X-Play, and I’m already hard over this.

Really hard.

You should be, too.

See the cool trailer here. But don’t blow your load on the trailer, wait for the fucking movie to come out! It’ll be so much more worth it!

“Dawg, I’m goin’ fucking nuts over here!” she yelled into the phone.

“Hey, watch your language around the baby,” I shot back.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Its this fucking fly! I’ve been chasing it around the room for four days!”

“You can’t kill a fly?”

“Its a little baby fly!”

“What about Bandit? He can’t get it?”

“He’s been trying, too! Neither of us can get it! What do I do??”

“Staci’s Japanese, you should have her come over and kill it! She’d get it on the first try!”

“Oh, yeah! Tell her I need her help right now!!!!”

“I’m on it!”

We will keep you updated as to what transpires next…

Hey, Hustler, wanna hire me back?

Oh, okay. I understand.

Anyway, I got an email today saying Hustler has gone green. By that, I mean they’ve become more aware of the problems to the environment and have implimented a new plan which will cut costs for the hundreds of employees of the porn powerhouse.

Nowadays, expect the LFP office to be open earlier and closing later and not being open every other Friday. That’s pretty cool.

Maybe to further help the planet, Hustler can let 20 lucky employees stay over night once a week in Larry’s enormous apartment on the 10th floor of the LFP Headquarters, which would mean less driving and more productivity since they can get more sleep. Plus, someone gets to wear Larry’s pajamas!!!!

I have all the great ideas.

But Hustler Video says Jaime - I mean, Jayme! Geez! What’s wrong with me??? - Langford is super hot smokin’ yummy slice of NYC pie. I believe them. They have a good eye for hot chicks. Even if she does have red hair…

Go oogle over Jayme tonight at that place Sardos. Hey, I wonder if the actual guy Sardo was fat would everyone call him Lardo? Probably.

Lucky guests will get a copy of Hustler Video’s Hot Showers #16!! I already have one, but its stuck together…

Here’s the info

Porn Star Karaoke with special guest Jayme Langford will take place at Sardo’s Bar, located at 259 N. Pass Ave., Burbank, CA. The fun will begin at 9 p.m. and go until 2 a.m. Admission is free and open to the public, so please invite all of your friends! Free parking is available.
 

“Wanna free car wash?” one of them asked.

“Who doesn’t?” I replied. “But I gotta ask: why is it free???”

“We’re trying to give back to the community,” she stated.

I could think of a couple other ways she could give back to the community…

So I drove to where she told me to go. It was a church parking lot. I put my car in a spot and took the dog out to relax while these people cleaned my ride for free.

I should have seen it coming. But I didn’t.

An older man approached me, began talking to me. I was super stoned.

What do you do? What kind of dog is that? How old is she? Where are you from? Blah blah blah

Is my car ready yet???

Then he asked what I knew he would eventually ask: What church do you go to?

“I’m a Jew,” I answered. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry!” he shot back, “just as long as you love your GOD!”

“Well…” I began, not sure where to go with this. “I don’t really believe in God, per se, but the values the Jewish people have carried with them for so long.”

“Okay,” he said, “it was nice talking to you.”

And he walked off to try and convert the next person wanting a free car wash into joining their church.

But how could Jesus allow his young followers to dress slutty for the purpose of trying to get people to join the church? Isn’t that just plum wrong???

Is Jesus that unpopular these days that he has to resort to schemes to keep his name alive?

I was glad I was a Jew that moment, but then realized that Jews wouldn’t have given away anything for free including a car wash so I kind of wanted to be a Jesus follower until I saw what a shitty job they did on my car.

Fuck Jesus!

Everybody but me.

I guess the demand for over-the-hill, ex-drug addicted porn writers is at an all time high, though, ’cause I’m rolling in cash. It could have something to do with all the money I’m not spending on cocaine this past year, but I sleep better thinking I’m just so awesome that companies throw me tons of money for advertising.

Anyway, this mass quanity of loot I’ve been collecting plus the fact that I’m an extremely lazy man has made me come up with an idea: pay people for dirt.

Okay, so its an old idea, I understand that, but for me its new. (I don’t count all the grams of blow I’ve had to scoop into people’s noses to get good dirt as paying for information…)

So if you know about a content provider who dresses like a chick behind closed doors, and you have the pictures to prove it, we’ll pay you for it! Have info on an internet company owner who’s going through a messy divorce and claims only a few bucks a year in taxes as a ‘professional gambler’ to hide his money from the wife? Lots of cash for that one. Got the inside info about an agent’s fight over the weekend? We’ll pay you for that, too! But it all has to be verifiable.

What are you waiting for?

We will pay up to $500 for information, as long as it can be proven and the story is worthy of being told. Otherwise, you get jack shit. And if you’re a total pussy, we’ll even guarantee you’ll remain nameless as is the law under the wonderful First Amendment of the United States of America but we’ll still call you a pussy under our breath.

Send your ideas to fayneralmighty@gmail.com

So, instead of grinding his teeth and rolling up his sleeves and writing more, the new guy Ryan is soliciting celebrity bloggers to help fill up space on the page. Smart move, really. No, really, it is.

He’s got the Love Twins working for him now. That sucks, ’cause I wanted them for my site. I mean, who doesn’t want two okay-looking chicks with little or nothing to say writing for him? I know I do.

So I felt belittled that they’d get the mediocre Love Twins and some other chick Destiny Davis writing for them, and I get nothing.

I can hear everyone laughing at me.

So what did I do? I went out in search of my own celebrity blogger. And boy did I find one!

She was covered in filth and begging for crack money!

That’s right, she’s back!

When I saw Tiffany Holiday yesterday I knew I’d found just who I was looking for: a disgusting pig who’s seen nameless faces dousing her with urine in back alleys for $10, who has sucked cock for a McDonalds $1 Menu item of her choice and who can send the nastiest of junkyard dogs running away in fear.

I’ve promised to pay Tiffany $10 for anything she comes up with.

I’m expecting something written in heroin-needle blood…

Thanks to everyone for their love and support, we were really hoping to not have to deal with another dead dog since Rhiannon’s passing two months ago.

Yippee!!!

This is good news. Hopefully she’ll get tired of being free and decide she misses her family and finds her way home. 

Thanks for all the emails of support

Taylor Rain’s Pit Bull Smokie got out of her house last night and is currently missing in the Canoga Park area. Anyone seeing a small blue and white pit bull walking around should grab it and return it to Taylor ’cause she and Keith and all of us really miss the little crapper Smokie.

If by chance you come across her please call my office at 323 420 3226 and you’ll get a big reward.

Take this lady for instance, the one I was reading about today who got caught driving around a parking lot with her 3 year old granddaughter on the roof of the car.

Her excuse was that she was holding the child’s leg, that the child was not in danger, and the reason she did it was to give her some air and to let her have some fun.

Listen, I’ve lived in Florida, and one thing that is not fun is being outside in August. The California heat has nothing on it. Nothing.

The lady obviously went to jail, and faces child abuse charges.

Read the whole story here but there ain’t much reason to do so since I just told you what happened. But do it if you want, I won’t cry…

But before I could figure out it wasn’t my stuff I pulled out an old VHS tape and read the label which said “Staci’s Wonder Years audition: Winnie Cooper“.

Come again???

I instantly went and confronted Staci.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Staci replied, “that was a long time ago. I forgot all about it. Obviously I didn’t get the part.”

“The world has to be told about this!” I shouted.

“I don’t know,” Staci worried. “People will think I got into porn because I didn’t get the Winnie Cooper Wonder Years gig!”

“C’mon, please??????”

“Okay, fine.”

The VHS tape is being transfered to digital as we speak, and the audition will be posted here soon. It’s quite hilarious, I can tell you that much…

Anyway, somehow the conversation ended up on The Simpsons. It was prolly cause we were watching the show, but who knows?

Oh, I remember now, Testa was saying how he wants conjoined twins to blow him at the same time. And then we were talking about twins, so of course he had to ask me if I’d fuck the most popular twins in television history: Patty and Selma from The Simpsons.

I said I probably would.

Testa said he wouldn’t, but I don’t believe him.

Edna K? Of course.

How about Lydsay Nagel? I asked.

Who is that? Testa asked.

I laughed. Amateur.

She’s the corporate woman, I said.

Oh yeah! I’d fuck her.

Lovejoy’s wife? Yep.

Maude Flanders? You betcha.

Apu’s wife? Oh yeah, she’s hot, too!

Anyone else from the show you’d fuck?

Oh, I do? Are you sure? Well, if its in my contract I guess I have to…

Not Bewitched XXX is bound to be a huge porn hit. X-Play’s J Mull and Scott David wouldn’t have it any other way. They work too hard to fail.

They are so confident about this newest flick that they’re already predicting it to be a favorite to win Best Comedy during the next award season.

Pretty bold stuff, huh?

The movie better be fucking funny. They’ve pretty much guaranteed it in their newest press release.

I for one commend them for their balls.

Check out the trailer here

But where in the world is Sunny Lane going to be this week?

Good question. I have no idea.

Oh, wait, yes I do.

Sunny is heading East to Florida for the InterNext show on the 8th of August with PussyCash and IMLive.com signing autographs and making funny poses with her fans. It should be a fun time.

And if you happen to be asking “Where in the World Was Sunny Lane?” last week, the answer is on XM Satellite Radio’s Sex.com Radio Show, which will air Tomorrow August 7th at 4 pm west coast time on XM 154 whatever that means. 

So what about next week? And the week after that? Where in the World will Sunny Lane be next?

I don’t know. Maybe her official web site located here will know. Check it out.

“Oh, that sucks!” I say. “I know how that feels. That’s the kind of thing that takes years to shake off.”

“Yeah, it sucks,” Staci replies.

“It’s happened to you??”

“Yeah. His name was Kirk. It was in the 7th grade.”

“I bet Kirk is now killing himself over that one. He probably has everyone of your films and cuts his wrists every night with how stupid he was back when he was 13.”

“What’s funny is that we did go out for a bit later that year. And one day he leaned over to kiss me at the bus stop in front of everyone and he bit my fucking lip! We didn’t last much longer than that.”

Anyway, while I try and think of my most embarassing moment with a chick to tell all of you, why don’t you tell me yours? It’ll be our little secret.

I promise.

The guy said he’d be over in the morning. He showed up at 8 at night. We should have buried him in the backyard right then and there. But we didn’t.

So this guy puts in a new pool pump in the dark. He seems to be nice enough, so I give him some porn to take home once he finishes. He says we should let the glue dry and not to turn it on until the morning. Okay. We pay him and he leaves with the porn.

The next day we turn on the pump and it isn’t working properly. We call him. And call him. And call him. Days go by, and we’re thinking we just got played for $170.

Then he calls. Sorry, I’ve been real busy. I’ll be there tomorrow to fix it.

Two days later, he sends his pool girl to clean the pool. She says he is a flake.

Awesome.

Two days later he comes back to fix the pump. Staci is convinced the guy is on speed. I can’t find an argument against it.

So he fixes it, he says, and I want to believe him.

So I go to my porn closet to find him some more porn. He just fixed the fucking pool, right? He deserves to jerk off in style…

In the closet I find Hustler’s Real College Girls: Lesbian Stories. I really want to see this flick, there’s some hot chicks in it doing sexual things to the vaginas and buttholes of other hot chicks, and that is a good thing. I thought giving him this flick would make us his main priority when it comes to pool and pool related things.

Anyway, I’m in a giving mood and all at the moment so I decide to give it up to him, plus a bunch of other, less good porn.

Now the pool is broken again, and dragonflies are hunting for food in the water. The pool guy has been texting me with lame excuses and keeps saying he’ll be coming by to fix the broke-ass pump.

Pretty much, we’re fucked.

This isn’t the first bad pool guy we’ve come across. I can think of like 5 in a row who’ve sucked big balls.

Anyone got a good pool guy in the Valley? Our dogs really need to swim.

I also need a new copy of Hustler’s Real College Girls: Lesbian Stories

Anyway, McCain says something along the lines of, “I know now what I knew then about nuclear power: that it is safe.”

McCain was what in his early 20s when he was on that ship, right? And pretty much at a time when no one knew anything about nuclear power? Right? 

Here is this kid being told what to think so obviously he’s gonna be told that it is safe.

This is his argument? Was he a nuclear scientist and we just didn’t know? Wow. I’m impressed.

I bet many people thought black hawks were safe over Somolia, too.

I wouldn’t tell you what to do, ever, but if you vote for McCain you’re a dumbass. He’s even more of an evil puppet than Bush…

And doesn’t Bob Dole look better and better every day as the Republican’s choice for President some years back??