A GOOD MOVIE?
By Fayner | July 2, 2008
Anyone who is a fan of the Indiana Jones trilogy would love to see this Adam & Eve spoof starring Ava Rose. Right? I mean, Indy wasn’t hot or anything like that, it is just that doing two great things (beating off and watching Indiana Jones) at the same time without feeling gay or strange is a good thing. Its like getting head while watching football…every guy’s dream Sunday. Well, if she brought you a steak afterwards, that is…
This movie cost a lot of money I bet. I’m sure they’re also putting a lot into press for it.
So why, only a month after the flick is released, would Adam & Eve drop Ava as their contract girl? Wouldn’t they want to keep her long enough to make the rounds of talk shows and store signings and the like to promote the expensive movie? We all know contract girls are hard to deal with, sure, but a few more months wouldn’t hurt anybody.
And does this ruin any chances of a sequel to Carolina Jones without Ava in the mix? I think they’re probably already thinking about doing a sequel and are trying to come up with a way to use another chick in the role without confusing anyone even though that wouldn’t be too difficult.
Hopefully, Adam & Eve will use a new writer for the sequel ’cause I just read the synopsis of the first Carolina Jones and it has her (as Indiana’s daughter) looking for the lost ark (again?) which is in the Middle East in 1957.
Come again? The first Indiana Jones (Raiders of the Lost Ark) took place in 1936 and also searched for the lost ark. But they found it and it was brought to a secret warehouse seen in the most recent Indiana Jones. It is still there, so how could it find its way back to the middle east without a map? It couldn’t. Therefore, the Carolina script is totally fucked.
Maybe Ava thought the same thing and complained and that’s why she’s no longer with the company. I don’t know.
Topics: Story | 3 Comments »
ASHLEY BLUE TO APPEAR ON THE SINGING OFFICE
By Fayner | July 2, 2008
You just gotta love Ashley Blue!
Anyway, Ashley is now pretty much out of the business and currently holds a position at some entertainment company in the Valley doing I don’t know what. This office is the same office the new stupid television show The Singing Office is going to be at next week on The Learning Channel. The Singing Office basically goes to an office and has people sing for money. Or something like that. Joey Fatone and Mel B. are hosting. It should truly rock.
So how did Ashley do on the show?
“You’ve known me for a long time, Fayner. What do you think?”
“I think you sucked!”
“That is correct. I sucked.”
“Did they have you dance? That would have been funny!”
“No.”
“What did you sing?”
“I can’t tell you that. You have to watch the show. This Sunday at 9 p.m.”
“What did you think of the show?”
“Ask me that after it airs, okay?”
This isn’t the first time Ashley has been on a reality-type show. She auditioned for American Idol this past season in San Diego and did not get picked for the show. But she makes it onto the Singing Office? Sweet.
Topics: Story | 2 Comments »
U.S.A. #1!!!!!
By Fayner | July 1, 2008
Growing up on the mean streets of Newton, Massachusetts, I rolled with an older crowd. So when I was like 11 years old, the people around me who were 13 and 14 began smoking marijuana. It was Norton, mostly, and he made it his mission to corrupt me. Evil, I know, but he did it anyway.
By 12 thanks to Norton I was a full-blown pot head. Norton was banging this super whore Crista Gero (he once coaxed her under a bridge to blow him by tempting her sweet tooth with a Skor Bar…do they even make them anymore?) whose mother had a bunch of weed and she would steal it and give it to Norton and he would force me to smoke it.
Okay, maybe it wasn’t exactly like that, but I remember sayng no many times and then receiving massive blows to the head with a giant tree branch (much like the one my sister hit him across the head with a few years later!) until I got stoned.
Soon I began to actually like it. Then love it. Then came mushrooms and acid and then later after I left for college cocaine. We all know how that one ends up…
But the funny thing was that that same thing happened in every town in every state of this country, still does to this day, and we as a nation should be proud of this. Right?
According to some really smart people who are good with numbers and the like, America has been voted the #1 drug user in the world. That is, we do more drugs than anyone…and it can be proven. This study only tested for pot and cocaine, but I’m sure we’re #1 with the rest of the drugs on the list as long as they can be bought easily here in the states.
Over 16% of Americans have tried cocaine at least once. 42% have used marijuana.
The #2 runner up is New Zealand, with 4% having tried coke and 41% weed.
I think the war on drugs isn’t working. What about you?
Topics: Story | 3 Comments »
WATCH OUT FOR NELSON MANDELA
By Fayner | July 1, 2008
He is a symbol of freedom. He helped end apartheid. He even got a Nobel Peace Prize.
But up until today, Mandela was on the U.S. Terror Watch list.
What now?
Yep, it is true. I even read it twice to make sure.
Good news. Now there may be some room on that list for someone who actually deserves to be on it.
Read the story here
Topics: Story | 4 Comments »
PIGS IN SPACE
By Fayner | July 1, 2008
The Japanese got themselves a good thing with this new $2.3 million Wedding In Space venture I was reading about this morning. The rocket will travel 60 miles into space where the ceremony will take place, then the new married couple gets to fuck in a special compartment while the ship falls back to Earth.
Sounds like fun, right? Fucking in space? Yeah!
Well, they probably won’t let you fuck I just made that part up, but I think if you were that high up in the air you’d want to be looking out the window and not at the back of your wife’s head.
Maybe next year.
Until then, the Japanese company is working with a US based company on this and will be taking applications for the flights leaving from a Oklahoma airport instead of making Americans go to Japan which is very polite of them.
I used to think that one day I would build a treehouse and I would get married in it but thetn I was thinking I can’t build anything but a sentence so that is a dumb idea and then I thought how about getting married while covered in red fire ants and then I said that would be dumb too so I read this and thought wow I’d like to get married in Space for 2 million dollars so that is my new plan and I’m wicked psyched about it too.
But now I’m thinking no one would ever marry me except maybe a pig but wasn’t there a movie called Pigs In Space that really sucked balls and therefore would mean that if I got married to a pig the same thing would become of me as did the movie in that I will suck forever…
Damn
Topics: Story | No Comments »
THE CLONING OF A 9-11 HERO
By Fayner | July 1, 2008
At first I was like, what the fuck? why would they clone George Bush? and then I read more of the story and realized that a 9-11 canine hero was being cloned and not George Bush. Good! I mean, yeah, Bush did acknowledge the terror attacks and that for him makes him a huge hero because no one was even sure of he was able to show emotions other than “duh” (if that is truly an emotion), but this dog hero deserves to be cloned so much more than Bush.
You see, this dog, named Trackr, was a rescue dog at the twin towers who is credited as finding the last survivor under 30 feet of rubble. That is way more heroic than pretending to be mad at a press conference.
Anyway, this dog is now 15 and is unable to use its back legs. BioArts, a California based company, has awarded Trackr and his owner a free cloning because the dog is so bad ass.
That is a killer story.
Read the whole thing HERE
Topics: Story | 2 Comments »
TONY TESTA ARRESTED AT MEXICAN WHOREHOUSE?
By Fayner | July 1, 2008
Testa has been on vacation in Mexico at a tequila distillery. I guess that means he is an alcoholic.
And what’s funny is that he goes to the same town on vacation once a month, and when he is back in L.A. the hookers from a local Mexican whorehouse always call him on his cellphone.
“Oh, Mr. Tony! You come in tonight? I take care of you Mr. Tony!” they always say.
But last night Testa calls me from Mexico and it is very loud on his end and he says he is in the Mexican whorehouse drunk and then all of a sudden I hear someone say “Policia!” and the phone goes dead.
Was Testa caught for bringing diseases into a Mexican whorehouse? Probably.
Either that or it was just an illegal operation (ie: not paying off the cops) that brought on the raid.
Testa isn’t picking up his phone. I’ve made some calls to his friends at the distillery to see if he is okay.
What’s ironic is that Testa’s favorite tv show is the one where people get arrested in other countries and do hard time and that is probably what is about to happen to him.
Don’t cha think?
Topics: Story | 1 Comment »
MUST BE SOMETHING IN THE WATER
By Fayner | June 30, 2008
Someone emailed me this link to a XXXPornTalk thread regarding whether or not I’m still doing drugs on a major level because of some of the things I’ve been writing about lately. This is his argument:
The fact that He’s hanging out with Testa debating whether women would be better with tails is telling. Check out some of these other gems from www.scottfayner.com:
—I’m sure the percentage of runaways and abusive foster care and whatever else in the adult business has dropped dramatically.
—Is it safe letting mentally challenged people into this business?
—Happy Birthday, Robbye. You owe me a blow job.
—Pam Anderson Wants Me
—I have this fan… (the rest of the post is superfluous.)
—Now that my dog Rhiannon is dead I was thinking I should follow in Mr. Richard’s footsteps and snort the recently departed.
Then there’s this post, where Fayner claims to have watched one of those “Bob the Enzyte Guy” commercials featuring a flaccid Santa at a Christmas party…
…in the middle of June.
You’re a real inspiration, Scotty Boy.
I really truly appreciate the compliment that my off-coke writing is nearly as entertaining as my on-coke writings of yesteryear, but no, none of the above things were written with the aid of blow. None. I wish.
I think it may have something to do with the amount of pot I now smoke to keep myself atleast mildly entertained throughout the long, lazy days of my middle ageness.
I may have slipped once or twice as most people do in the same situation, but I’m sure as shit not going to spend them precious and far between highs by writing stuff down. That would just ruin everything.
Topics: Story | 5 Comments »
RESPONDING TO JEREMY STEELE
By Fayner | June 30, 2008
I wrote about Jeremy Steele the other day, but for once it was all good things. I wrote about how Jeremy will fuck any chick no matter what she looks like. I thought of it as an awesome quality to possess, one that I certainly do not have.
But Jeremy commented on the story and was mean to me. And now I’m sad. This is what he said:
It started around 2003 at AIM where I ran into recently ex roommate Taylor Rain. He was there sitting in the corner. I never noticed him but since he was with her he noticed me. I was showing her the cover of my music CD.
He was writing for Lukeford.com after the fake jew just sold it, and he and the late Wanker Wang were carrying on Luke’s legacy of errant facts and malicious journalism. Taylor had walked off with the cover but it didn’t have the music with it. The next day Fayner publically commented on LF.com in regards to me that he didn’t know who it was she was talking to but he didn’t want to know (I find this strange because even at my worst, he should look in the mirror and ask himself who looks worse) and that he can’t wait to hear my music so he could trash it. This, fellow jurors, shows without the slightest doubt that he had a preset agenda. How can you not wait to trash music that you have never heard? Taylor and I were cool with each other so there was no reason for this. I think they were living together then. Maybe he was “jellus”. It’s this kind of dirtbag bias which calls out only the fringe jobs I’ve ever done in my career and tries to paint my whole time in this business as bottom-feeding. Makes good entertainment, I guess. Makes others feel better about themselves, I suppose. It gives me free publicity, which is cool, too.
Now, I can’t say I remember all the details of that day five years ago in which Mr. Steele talks about. I do remember the CD cover and lyrics page. One of the songs was called Porn Star or something gay like that and in the words (I wish I still had them!) Jeremy writers how he is some big time porn star. Okay, at the time I didn’t really know who he was, just that he was like the 9th guy called for an interracial gang bang, but he seemed okay. It was Wanker Wang that always wrote bad shit about him in them days, except for the story I wrote about the CD cover and lyrics. When I bought the site, Wanker continued writing funny shit about Jeremy which probably fucked with his work, and Jeremy lashed out at me. I think his mother even emailed me asking to be nicer to her son. I wonder if that was real.
And sure, I trashed his music without even hearing it, and that I guess is wrong of me, but I’d bet a million bucks that his music did suck. I didn’t need to hear it to know that.
But like I said, now that I’m out of my drug fog and can see things clearly, I find myself in awe of Jeremy Steele for his persistence and willingness to enter any hole, no matter how gross, as long as it is a woman. It shows a lot when a porn guy takes such a beating over the years and can still somehow stay on track without detouring to GayVille for some quick cash.
Or has he??
Topics: Story | 25 Comments »
HOW BAD OFF ARE WE?
By Fayner | June 30, 2008
I knew this recession was going to be tough for lots of people. Not me, of course, as advertising revenue on porn gossip web sites is at an all-time high.
Basically, I thought all this recession was gonna do is bring more hot chicks into the porn business and maybe a few cat fights outside a Valley strip club over who gets to work the $50 Tuesday afternoon shift.
But I didn’t think it would get this bad.
I was reading today about how things are so bad for some folk who have started robbing graves in St. Louis. Not the digging them up for some family ring, but simply stealing dozens of vases fand selling them for scrap metal at about $10 a pop.
How wrong is that?
On the other hand, a good score of graveyard vases could buy a lot of crack.
Topics: Story | No Comments »
JEREMY STEELE WILL DO IT!
By Fayner | June 27, 2008
Jeremy Steele is a class act. He will fuck any chick, any where, any time for any price. That deserves admiration and respect if you ask me.
Jeremy I’ve just learned also performed in something called Squirt Bukkake in which a guy gets a faceful of chick cum AKA urine. I didn’t really look at the picture too closely as that I’m not too comfortable with urine, but it looks to be him with a fat black chick. Other male performers who lend their mouth to this series are Ryan Knox, Jack Lawrence and Micky G. Sweet.
Anyway, the reason I was thinking about Jeremy Steele is this: a friend who works on porn sets told me the other day that the chick hired to fuck on film came and was super ghetto and fat and old and smelly and when the guy came to do the scene he refused to fuck her and left.
He did what?
Hey, porn guys, you get paid a great deal of money for something you’d normally do for free or even pay for and every now and then you gotta take one for the team and bang an undesirable. It is a give and take business.
Jeremy Steele would have done the fat, smelly, old black chick. He would have done her afterwards in the bathroom, too. That’s cause Jeremy Steele is a team player. God bless him for that.
Jeremy Steele should be honored for his selfless acts of bravery.
Topics: Story | 25 Comments »
TMZ’S PULITZER-WORTHY STORY OF THE DAY
By Fayner | June 27, 2008
When I saw this story on TMZ’s show last night, I was floored to the point of not being able to move my arms and legs for a few minutes. I assumed it was total shock, and when my numbness finally subsided I rushed over to my computer to check out the TMZ web site to make sure I didn’t miss any important information regarding this amazing piece of journalism.
TMZ has reported that, get this, married couple Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were seen together at 4:30 in the morning.
Come again?
Yes, it is true, two people who just had twins not too long ago took a night off from their parenting for a hot night on the town.
And this is news?
One would think that when the papparazzi guys come into the office with their footage or however they do it and the editors see some bullshit waste of air-time footage like this they just toss it away. But not TMZ, where everything can be news.
Now, I will admit I’ve written about some pretty stupid things in my time, but I see no redeemable value in a story like this.
Just in case I missed any important information about this breaking story in my recap, you can read all the amzing and heroic details HERE
Topics: Story | 1 Comment »
SKY LOPEZ WRITING A BOOK?
By Fayner | June 26, 2008
That’s what her myspace page said the other day; that she is currently working on her book about her struggles to find GOD or something kooky like that.
But all the power to her, right? I mean, its not like she was doing too well before she found GOD, she may as well give the big man a chance ’cause nothing else seemed to work.
Not sure if she’s doing a Tommy Lee and gettin’ real behind bars and waxing some serious rhymes yo like he did when he wrote his awesome solo record some years back but let us all hope she has a tad more common sense than Tommy and is taking her book seriously.
But as someone asked me today when discussing Sky’s new writing venture: “Isn’t she going to have to learn to read first?”
Oooohhhhh!
All the best to you Sky
Topics: Story | 3 Comments »
SAN FRANCISCO HAS THE RIGHT IDEA
By Fayner | June 26, 2008
Okay, now this is one of them stories you can never make up. Too good.
The Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco has asked voters to allow them to change the name of a water treatment plant to the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.
Really? ‘Cause this would be so awesome if it actually happened.
Many of you may think poor Bush is just a pawn, and that having a sewage plant named after him is far too cruel a punishment, but I don’t. I think it fits perfectly.
You can read the story here
Topics: Story | 2 Comments »
CUTE SLUT MAKES PORN MOVIE
By Fayner | June 25, 2008
The first time I saw a Nautica Thorn scene was in the Barrett Blade’s flick Keepers a couple of years back, and I must say since that day I have been a fan.
Not the kind of fan that waits outside in the rain with a bunch of horny old pervs to get her autograph, but a fan nonetheless. She has wonderful boobs and a dirty spirit and that goes a long long way in this business.
Want another reason to like Nautica? Well, I did, too.
And I got one in the mail today in the form of Fixation courtesy of Nautica Thorn Productions and LFP Video. Nautica’s first ever girl on girl anal. And boy oh boy is it hot! Her and Jada Fire sure do know what they’re doing.
Yummy.
Also, Nadia Styles is in this movie and that is almost always a great thing cause she too has a dirty spirit.
I think this movie came out yesterday and can be bought anywhere porn is sold plus the Hustler Hollywood store is a good place to go and buy filth.
Now if you’ll excuse me I need to satisfy myself in the form of masturbation to this movie before it’s too late.
Bye.
Topics: Story | 2 Comments »
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBBYE BENTLEY
By Fayner | June 25, 2008
Sure, Robbye and I have had our differences over the years, but I figure her sweet set of tits is reason enough for me to tell her I’m sorry and make everything better…especially on her Birthday which is today.
May she take beautiful pictures of slutty women forever and ever and ever and ever and always wear tops that show off her fab knockers ’cause I for one like them a whole bunch and would be sad if they were to vanish from the Earth never to be seen again.
Happy Birthday, Robbye. You owe me a blow job!
Sweet!
Topics: Story | 3 Comments »
WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE
By Fayner | June 25, 2008
I got a press release from J Mull telling me that Not The Bradys XXX director Will Ryder met legendary Brady Bunch creator Sherwood Scwartz’s son, Lloyd, at a recent showing of A Very Brady Musical in Los Angeles.
Fun stuff.
And although I usually rewrite press releases, I’ve decided not out of pure laziness but out of respect for a quality press release to throw it up as is. Enjoy.
(Hollywood, CA) They say that fate often brings people together but it was a new musical that led to a chance meeting between the director of Not the Bradys XXX and a member of the legendary Sherwood Schwartz family.
Will Ryder was in the audience at A Very Brady Musical being performed live on stage at Theatre West in Los Angeles when he spotted Lloyd J. Schwartz in attendance. Schwartz, the musical’s writer and director is also the son of legendary Brady Bunch creator Sherwood Schwartz and was an acting coach on the popular television series back in the 1970s.
“I’m a huge fan of the Brady Bunch and I took a date to see this incredibly funny musical,” Ryder said. “After the performance, I had a chance to meet Mr. Schwartz in the lobby and he was quite pleasant and fun to talk to.”
When asked if the topic of the Bradys porn spoof was brought up, Ryder was a bit hesitant but offered. “You know I wasn’t sure if I should, but I knew that if I did go there, I wanted to really ease into the subject nice and smooth if that was possible. I figured he must have heard about it and I was quite curious.”
Just as Ryder suspected, Schwartz had seen the tabloid news reports on TV but didn’t seem to object too much although he was clearly uncomfortable with the topic of porn according to Ryder.
“I really wasn’t intending on bringing it up but his portrayal of the Brady Bunch live on stage was filled with sexual innuendo and a fabulous sense of humor that really took the Bradys to places you’d never dream of seeing on TV including Marcia getting arrested for being a hooker,” Ryder laughed.
“Plus there’s a scene where Greg buys a car adorned with wood paneling and his brothers and sisters join him in song singing ‘I’ve got a woody ….. He’s got a woody’. That was funny as hell.”
Since many adult industry members are quite comfortable discussing sexual topics in public, it is often forgotten that the real world only broaches those subjects and usually from afar.
“He made a comment to me that solidified what some in the real world still think about our business when he said he didn’t really have a problem as long as no girls were forced into performing in the movie. That really blew my mind and I assured him that nobody was forced”.
Ryder told Schwartz that each girl willingly appeared in the movie and when asked how he knew, he confessed that he was the director.
“That was the bombshell that ended the conversation as he politely told me thanks for coming and quickly left me standing there with my date who ironically is a Not the Bradys XXX cast member but I didn’t dare mention that.”
When asked if A Very Brady Musical is worth seeing Ryder gushed. “This is a great musical for anybody that wants to laugh, enjoy some really wonderful music and just witness some goofy fun being poked at the Brady Bunch. I highly recommend getting tickets to see this before it moves on to a different city.” There is no association between A Very Brady Musical and Not the Bradys XXX, Ryder was clear to point out.
Sales of the porn spoof have been brisk ever since the DVD was released this past fall from X-Play/Hustler. “Customers walk into stores all over America asking for that Brady Bunch porno which has kept the movie a top seller. Some stores can’t keep it on the shelves longer than a few days because when they see the design they smile and buy it. Plus it’s a top-selling VOD title for Hot Movies.com also.
“You know a lot of good has come out of this movie even beyond making people happy as next week we are donating a check to the Henri Pachard Cancer Fund that will reflect a portion of our DVD sales for the past month,” Ryder said.
Not the Bradys XXX is in stores everywhere and also available at www.bradyxxx.com and www.hotmovies.com The highly anticipated Not the Bradys Marcia Marcia Marcia sequel will be in stores in November.
Tickets for A Very Brady Musical can be purchased at www.averybradymusical.com or at the Theatre West box office 3333 Cahuenga Boulevard West in Los Angeles 90068.
Topics: Story | No Comments »
WHEN RETARDED PEOPLE DO PORN
By Fayner | June 24, 2008
From what I’ve heard, there was a time in this business when nearly all the female talent came from the worst of conditions. There was no fame. There was no real money. There was just nowhere else to go.
Now, porn is a business, and somewhere along the line between then and now some chick said “hey, I can make some money here!” and the mental state of the porn chick changed. I’m sure the percentage of runaways and abusive foster care and whatever else in the adult business has dropped dramatically. I could be wrong though. That has been known to happen from time to time.
But even in this era of porn as a business and not as a last resort, some seem to fall through the cracks. Real fuck ups, mental cases, insane by any man’s standard kind of girls.
Girls like Catalina. And not this Catalina Cruz chick, but the Max Hardcore Catalina. The one that if you met her you’d say to yourself right afterwards, “Was that whore retarded?”
I remember years ago when I first started at Hustler and I went to the Tera Show or whatever they called it at Digital Playground and Tera had the movie poster for Forbidden Tales in which she has a mechanical arm like the Termanator.
Max and Catalina were there, too, and they both scared me at the time. Anyway, Catalina walks up to Tera and looks at the poster and says to her: “Are you a robot?”
Anyone who has worked with her knows Catalina is partially retarded. She has to be; there’s no other excuse.
And so was the guy Kid Redd who worked for Kid Vegas or Mr. Vegas or whatever name he uses these days. He was fat and retarded, and Vegas made him jerk off in a pumpkin suit and then eat his cum from his retarded palm. It was nasty. I was there. I left right afterwards.
But is it safe letting mentally challenged people into this business?
I’ve met two (probably more) and think they shouldn’t be allowed to make the decision to do porn.
What do you think? I really wanna know…
Topics: Story | 13 Comments »
STUDY: JENNA JAMESON CAUSED RECESSION
By Fayner | June 23, 2008
AP - Everyone knew that porngraphy was a big business. But this big?
Studies have shown that on the exact day XXX legend Jenna Jameson announced her retirement from the business, America also began its recent recession.
Coincidence?
Hardly. Jenna Jameson was a huge porn star, her movies grossing millions of dollars per year. But enough to impact an entire country’s stability when she retires?
Apparently so.
Crazy times.
Topics: Story | 4 Comments »
PAM ANDERSON WANTS ME
By Fayner | June 23, 2008
So last night Taylor, Keith and I went to see that Zohan movie. Taylor saw it two nights before, but like the pregnant ex-porn superstar told me as we stood in line in Calabasas, “Fuck it! So what if I just saw it! Junk food, air conditioning and a giant television! Holla!!!”
After the movie, we’re walking down the aisle and I see a hot MILF.
“Hey, there’s a hot Milf!” She was wearing a tight dress, and had her two sons with her.
“That’s Pam Anderson,” Taylor said.
I looked at her arm and saw the barbed wire tattoo Pam has. It must be her! God, remember how bad Barbed Wire was? Bad…but not as bad as Anna Nicole Smith in Skyscraper! Now that was pure crap!
Anyway, it was Pam Anderson. She had her two Beverly Hills 90210-named sons (Brandon and Dylan) with her, the older one looking just like Tommy…tall, lanky and awkward looking. Think he has the same big dick? And if he doesn’t, do you think he’ll forever be self-conscious about it? I know I would if MY dad was known as a walking talking huge penis.
So, we exit the cinema and TR needs to use the ladies room, so Keith and I wait outside in the hallway. Then Pam walks out and as she passes me we make eye contact. And then as she was walking away she looked back and smiled. Then she was down the hall waiting for an escort and kept smiling at me.
I wasn’t sure what to do, I mean she didn’t look her best; she wasn’t even wearing makeup. But she is one of the sexiest women on the planet, thus making approaching her difficult.
My smaller-than-Tommy-Lee’s penis doesn’t help much either.
So I let it go. But she followed us to the parking lot and stood outside our truck pretending she didn’t know where her car was. It was becoming pathetic. Eventually, Pam got the hint and got in her Range Rover and went home.
I would have ended up breaking her heart anyway…
Topics: Story | 3 Comments »
IT AIN’T AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
By Fayner | June 23, 2008
I’ve seen lots of porn gossip writers come and go since I started in the business back in 2000. I bet people like Gene Ross and Tod Hunter and even Luke Ford have seen lots more than me. But I’ve seen plenty.
Over the years I’ve almost been fired from the helm at Lukeford by some of my many bosses including Taylor Rain. A couple of times. Each time it has been over the amount of posts I write a day, always less than what was wanted.
Five original stories per day about porn and porn-related topics is pretty much my limit. I recall telling Taylor and Keith many times that it is “QUALITY not QUANITY” but they see Gene Ross throw up 20plus posts a day and thought I should do the same but I don’t like reposting things so it is harder for me to do that much writing.
The guy above in the picture is Jack Kerouac. It is said that he wrote On The Road in three weeks on one long sheet of paper and lots of speed. That is a lot of writing. More than me and you and that guy down the street combined plus 20,000. He would have made a great porn gossip writer. The best.
Anyway, I was checking out the new LukeIsBack site with this new mysterious writer named Not Luke. Anyway, I noticed that in his first week of writing he put up a story about Sylvester Stallone as Rambo.
Really? Already?
You see, I myself just wrote about Sylvester Stallone about a month ago. But mine came 6 years into doing this for a living. Not Luke resorted to it in his first couple of posts.
Looks like we got another one already feeling the pressure of doing this for a job.
It’s not that easy, and certainly not all fun and games. Just wait until Not Luke writes the same story twice and doesn’t realize it until later. I’ve done that one a bunch of times over the years. And if Not Luke wants any advise at all I guess all I can say to him is quit before it is too late.
Topics: Story | 2 Comments »
TMZ HUGE STORY OF THE WEEK!
By Fayner | June 20, 2008
Oh my God, I just can’t like believe it! Really? Wow!
Usually, TMZ is stuffed with crap-filled crap about celebrities, but today I actually found an awesome story on the stupid web site.
It appears that - gasp - Tim McGraw was in West Hollywood yesterday with his family and was photographed eating a piece of pizza!
Can you believe it?
No comment from McGraw’s wife, but we suspect a divorce is approaching. Eating pizza in public is grounds for divorce.
So sad.
Good journalism, TMZ!
Read the whole story HERE
Topics: Story | 1 Comment »
THE HITLER GUIDED TOUR
By Fayner | June 20, 2008
Sure, Hitler was evil and a big meanie if you ask me, but no one can argue that he didn’t lead an interesting life to say the least.
Right?
I mean, if it wasn’t for the mighty hand of the good ol’ U.S. of A., he could have taken over the World. The Whole Wide World (that is, unless France was planning some amazing attack… ) And Hitler could be like “I rule!” and have it really be true!
Thankfully, Hitler didn’t win in his quest to overshadow his childhood rapings with world dominance.
But what an interesting life, huh? I mean, who amongst us can truthfully say we’ve talked our chick into swallowing poison in an underground bunker?
None, that’s who.
But to the point of this story: There is a Hitler tour going on in Munich right now! There are games and animals and balloons shaped like Hitler and poison sodas and poison-free sodas and mustache rides a plenty!
Actually, the tour travels to places Hitler did things at before and during his rule over Germany. I bet it is mighty interesting. If you’re planning a trip to Germany or just wanna do anything other than your job you can read all about it right HERE
Topics: Story | 1 Comment »
NICE AD CAMPAIGN
By Fayner | June 20, 2008
Okay, this guy in the picture is creeping me out ’cause he looks like David Lee Roth does with that perma-smile not sure if he’s crazy look.
Let’s move on.
I was watching television for inspiration as I usually do. I sit there and stare blankly at whatever I’m watching until I come up with something to write and then I sit back down and watch until I come up with something else to write and so on and so on and scooby doobie doobie.
A commercial for Enzyte the once a day male enhancement tablet comes on. The setting is a Christmas party. The guy playing Santa can’t get an erection. All the women are sad. Then he takes an Enzyte tablet. Soon the ladies are pushing to get in line to sit on his lap so they can feel his boner.
And this commercial was on at 10 in the morning! Say what?
But good for whoever wrote this commercial. Classic television.
Too bad the tablets don’t work.
Or do they?
Anyone care to admit trying them so we can laugh I mean ask them if they work?
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BIANCA DAGGER HELPS DURING OUR RECESSION
By Fayner | June 20, 2008
Money is tight these days for everyone except those who are good friends with Bush and Cheney and profit off death and oil. I know it. You know it. Bianca Dagger knows it, too.
You see, Bianca believes that every man deserves a good haircut and a lap dance. Even in a recession.
That is why Bianca, who is a licensed hair stylist (or so she says) as well as a top-notch booty-shaker, has decided to offer her services as both a chick who will cut your hair and a chick who will grind against your cock for money.
That’s right! You heard it here first!
So come on down to Bianca Dagger’s House of Hair and Lap Dance for all your hair and penis stimulating needs.
Email me at fayneralmighty@gmail.com to set up an appointment. She’ll even come to your house!
Topics: Story | 2 Comments »
DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE FACE OF A HATEFUL PERSON?
By Fayner | June 19, 2008
I have this fan from Italy named Topopiperno who isn’t too versed in the English language but tries nonetheless with his emails to my MySpace account. And although he may seem a little weird to us, he is still a human being and deserves our respect. Actually, I’m just scared TR will get mad at me for making fun of an Italian so I’m being nice…
This is what his email about Jenna Haze says:
well, i want to explain my toughts about j.haze, whitout a specific reason.
Her face is so unpleasant, it should be slapped for a day or two. And it appears everywhere (or so) grrrr!!! She is very very odious.
Nothing, i hope our friendship (?) will not be broken by this.. Rock on Scott, greetings from Italy, bye
What does one say to an email like this? What is he saying here? That Jenna Haze is mean and hateful and therefore should be slapped for a day or two? ‘Cause I was thinking the exact same thing just the other day…
Naw, Jenna is not hateful nor has an unpleasant face unless she just took a load in the eye. Then it all makes sense.
Topics: Story | 5 Comments »
WHAT DID THE GAY PEOPLE DO NOW??
By Fayner | June 19, 2008
I was reading today about a growing epidemic in Cape Cod, Massachusetts where public sex in sand dunes has become rampant and blatant without any regard for the public.
Yes, I’m talking about gay sex in Provencetown. P-Town, as it is know in Massachusetts, is home of the gay, land of the fag. It is on the very tip of Cape Cod, basically meaning they got pushed as far away as possible from the Catholic control of Boston.
P-Town, from what I’ve heard, is the cleanest, nicest, safest place to be. There is no trash on the street and no late-night bar fights. The gays run a pretty tight (no pun intended) ship out there in P-Town.
But they can’t keep away from banging each other in the ass in the sand dunes during the summer. The problem of course is that many people come to vacation there who aren’t gay or are gay but just don’t want to see other men pounding ass as they try to enjoy the nice beach weather.
One may think former Hustler art director Mike Richardi could be involved in this, as he lives right down the road from P-Town and has recently put YMCA as his outgoing voice message on his phone when I try calling him.
Read the whole story here
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CHEAPER THAN A HOOKER
By Fayner | June 19, 2008
A Japanese (of course) company has just come out with a 15 inch tall love robot for lonely men.
No, I’m serious. But it is not the chick in the picture, that would be too awesome. Instead, you get this
I’d rather have the chick in the picture, but what are you gonna do when you’re super lonely, right?
But does this robot, which will cost around $175, do everything a man dreams his woman companion would do? Anal? Rim job? Sloopy B.J.?
No. All it does is give you a kiss when you get close enough to the sensor.
But she does have big tits, and that goes a long, long way.
Lonely men can check her out HERE
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WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
By Fayner | June 19, 2008
I grabbed a bunch of old Hustler Magazines last week to yank out the centerfolds and use them as wrapping paper for Staci’s birthday gift (a yoga mat), and came across a picture of this chick Daisy Tanks on one of the pages that weren’t stuck together.
Are you serious? Is this what porn has come to? Where is the Girl Next Door and the trampy city girl and the naive Mountain slut and the dirty European? Why would someone open the gate to Porn Valley and allow a chick that looks like this into the business?
Sure, punk is cool, I guess, not really my thing but I don’t mind it, but who declared the punk chicks worthy of porn? Who said a mohawk and stinky box and dirty ripped clothes and dog breath was sexy?
Not me.
Did you?
I just never thought punk chicks were attractive. They aren’t.
Topics: Story | 1 Comment »
HELP ME, GORDON RAMSAY!
By Fayner | June 19, 2008
I’m not gonna lie to you: I like Gordon Ramsay. And not like like, just like. I enjoy how he crushes the dreams of people in such a rude way. You could say I’m envious of him: He’s made a great career for himself by working hard.
So lately I’ve gotten into the BBC show where he goes to restaurants that are about to close down and tries to revive them using his experience and loud voice. Mostly he succeeds, and when the owners and employees of the restaurant listen to what he tells/yells at them, they tend to stay afloat. He is smart and blunt, two things that can lead to greatness.
But what does he have that I don’t? Drive. Ambition. A real j o b
I want Gordon to come and put my life in order, tell me what to do and how to not nap every day and not smoke so much weed and to work harder than I’ve ever worked to make myself someone worthy of the air in which I take for granted.
Anyone know his producers and wanna hook me up?
Topics: Story | 3 Comments »
WE DID IT!
By Fayner | June 18, 2008
My role in the Celtic’s victory last night was a crucial one. I was the guy who sat near the television cheering for them. I know they could hear me. I know they could feel my passion and desire to win the NBA Finals. And I know that they know that the reason they really won was because at the same time they tipped off in Game One my dear Rhiannon passed away and I believe her spirit went into the Boston Celtics.
Okay, I don’t really believe that. That would make me nutso.
Didn’t everyone say the Lakers were gonna kick their ass?
Fuck the Lakers.
Topics: Story | 1 Comment »
WHO’S GONNA PLAY GOPHER?
By Fayner | June 18, 2008
J Mull and Scott David and X-Play are producing spoofs on The Love Boat and Three’s Company in the coming months; both classic television shows with tons of potential in the XXX market. Three’s Company pretty much writes itself as the show could very well have been a low budget porn movie had it not been for the actors always keeping their clothes on and no penises entered any holes even in Larry’s apartment!
The Love Boat will also be an easy transition into a smut version, as many of the plot lines could and probably have been used in a porn somewhere down the line.
Thank God the Brady porn did so well, ’cause now we have a whole new category of porn to dive into. And that is good.
And like always, I must remind J MUll that when the Beverly Hillbillies porn comes around they better use my bloodhound!
I for one look forward to these new spoofs.
But who will play Gopher? James Deen? That would be funny…
Topics: Story | 1 Comment »
THE FLY
By Fayner | June 18, 2008
I came across the movie I did for VCA a few years ago titled Sloppy ‘Hos as seen above. I’m not sure what the cover means but at the time I must have had a reason to put Nadia Styles in a giant cereal bowl.
Anyhoo, I was checking it out to see how awesome I was back then and the POV scene with Naudia Nyce and some guy named Peter Griffin came on and it was outside at someone’s house.
Now before I continue, you must know that right outside my bedroom window is the place we call Poop Alley cause that’s where the dogs poop and sometimes the flies get into my room and that is when I go and pick up Lou’s giant craps from the side of the house.
Okay, so the scene with Naudia and Peter Griffin and I’m skipping through it and this fucking fly keeps buzzing around my head and I’m going bonkers from it and I keep trying to swat it when it lands on the screen and when I finally do I realize that the fly was in the scene all along and not in my room.
Porn with flies is cool. All natural and such.
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SURE, SUNNY LANE DOES FUNNY POSES, BUT SHE SURE WORKS HARD!
By Fayner | June 18, 2008
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of Sunny Lane not doing a silly pose. I guess its her thing. Good for her. It always makes me smile and that is hard to do after working in the business for eight years. I can just imagine how painful it is for those who’ve been in this industry for decades and decades and decades.
But Sunny Lane isn’t just all corny poses; she works mighty hard promoting herself. She’s also just done her first anal scene, if this information is correct in the new Elegant Angel flick Big Wet Asses #13 hopefully it won’t be unlucky for her and her fans.
Now Sunny is now bringing her Déjà vu sponsored Girl-Next-Door Tour 2008 back to Sunny California. I’m not sure what it entails, but I doubt it will be boring. Sunny is a fiery ball of positive energy and that carries well on the stage or so I’ve been told.
Check her out at either show, maybe I’ll see you there if Sunny personally invites me.
Déjà vu Showgirls
June 19th, 20th and 21st 2008
3282 Mission Blvd
Ontario, California
909.627.9806
Showtimes: 8PM, 10PM, 12AM
Déjà vu Showgirls
June 26th, 27th and 28th.
11252 Trade Center Drive
Rancho Cordova, California
916.853.2204
Showtimes: 8PM, 10PM, 12AM
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ITS EITHER A SMALL WORLD OR I’M A BIG STAR!
By Fayner | June 17, 2008
I made the final arrangements today to have Rhiannon’s ashes delivered to me from the Cremation guy.
“Let me ask you something,” he said. “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a writer.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“Magazine, internet. Porn, mostly.”
“I knew it! When you first said your name I was like, Is this the same Fayner? And it is! Funny!”
“It is a small world.”
“I remember reading your stuff in Hustler and on that site LukeFord with that girl Taylor Rain. God, she’s real pretty! And such nice dogs, too! I love Pit Bulls.”
“Hopefully you won’t be seeing them too soon!”
Ain’t it funny how I sit here and think I’m a nobody and the guy who cremates your pets in Los Angleles knows me! For the first time since Rhi died, I have a smile on my face.
There will be another smile tonight after my Celtics beat the Lakers!
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WOULD WOMEN BE BETTER WITH TAILS?
By Fayner | June 16, 2008
So when Testa and I were in full discussion about the Kung Fu Panda Gay Happy Meal thing, I noticed the long tail on the tiger who had his ass in the air begging for hard cock.
Wouldn’t a tail be cool on chicks? I asked him. Good balance! And if they fall off the bed you can pull them up by the tail! How awesome is that!?
Then we got into a deep heated debate over this: would a tail improve women?
What do you think?
I think it would be cool. Testa doesn’t know if he likes the idea.
Let me know!
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BARELY LEGAL BABY FAT! NOW THAT’S A TREAT!
By Fayner | June 16, 2008
Let me tell you how great being on the Hustler Video screener list is: It is so great, let me tell you! Oh boy, is it gonna be one of these stories? Yup, I think so.
Barely Legal has made lots of penises shoot semen over the years. Many women have tickled their soaked vaginas watching the popular series, too. Dirty old men sitting in a nursing home rubbing their soft puds waiting at the window for little Jimmy Conway to walk by on his way home from baseball practice so they can get one off quick but instead just pop in any Barely Legal DVD for some self rub n tug before lunch oh boy its grilled cheese and tater tots!
I think I got it out of my system.
Barely Legal Baby Fat came in the mail on Saturday along with Tranny Love #2 (gross) and Young Latinas (next in line) and from the cover I could tell it is a movie featuring young women who are maybe a little on the hefty side. Cool. After many, many years of masturbating to porn, my tastes have changed dramatically. It was once I could spank it to a fuzzy scrambled Payboy channel movie while someone slept on the next couch. Now things are way different. First, I need the cougars. Then, I tend to go for awkward, chubby unknown chicks because through the years all the hot chicks just become one hot chick and there is no distinction between any of them that moving on to ugly chicks tend to stick out as truly awesome masturbating good times. Hey, remember that time? Oh, yeah, that was so awesome! Plus, I can’t really see myself being able to score with any of the super hot skinny porn chicks. The weird looking fat ones are a whole different story.
But the Baby Fat girls aren’t even fat. They’re a little big, but compared to what? Jenna Haze? And then I got to wondering did Hustler Video plan on shooting this title or did they just end up with a bunch of fat chick scenes that couldn’t go anywhere else? Either way, this is a huge (no pun intended, a fuck it, pun intended!) hit if you ask my penis and you did so he says he loves this movie and would you do one of fat cougars please that woud really make my penis super happy and a happy penis is a happy Fayner.
And even better than this movie is one of the quotes on the back cover which says: Rachel doesn’t care if she’s plump, all she wants to do is fuck!
Bloodly fucking brilliant.
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IS THE NEW MCDONALDS KUNG FU PANDA HAPPY MEAL GAY?
By Fayner | June 16, 2008
TR came over yesterday with two McDonalds Happy Meals featuring the new Kung Fu Panda toy which is the tiger and you do this thing and he flips over and lands back on his feet. But one of them didn’t quite work right and kept landing in the “fuck me from behind” pose while the other landed perfectly in the “let me fuck you from behind” pose and Testa and me came up with this dumb stoned idea that one of them is the pitcher and the other the catcher and it made perfect sense at the time but now that I’m not so stoned and hungry it really would be irresponsible of McDonalds to put out a gay toy in their Happy Meals.
So, no, the new Kung Fu Panda toy at McDonalds is not gay and wanting anal sex. Just that one of ours can’t quite make the full flip.
Testa is always thinking about gay sex. It scares me.
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HAPPY FATHERS DAY
By FaynerIsBack | June 15, 2008
Great way to distract all FATHERS today…. there’s US Open Golf Final Round, NBA Finals Game 5 and then there’s THIS.
Topics: Story | No Comments »
WHY THE FRENCH SUCK REASON #74
By Fayner | June 13, 2008
Some of you like me don’t remember World War Two. But from what I hear and read it wasn’t as fun as Summer Camp which I thought was super fun and wish I could go back to those days but I can’t so I’ll just write about it and make you think about it too ’cause I have that power over you.
Summer Camp…
Okay, back to business. So, in WWW2 - the extra W is for Wacky - the German’s pretty much jump-roped into France and took it over without a fight or even a curled lip or even a kick in the dirt with your heard down in a rough battle that lasted about 6 weeks. It took the U.S. Military to free the French, your relatives and friends and neighbors and such lost their lives to free the French from the Germans.
And for what?
Read this story below. It is fucked up!
The names “Thomas and Dorothy” were carved in the bark of one trunk. Another said “Bob and Carma”. Other trees were marked with soldiers’ home states - Iowa, Maine or Alabama - and several bore hearts and the names or initials of a wife or girlfriend.
The beech trees of Saint Pierre de Varengeville-Duclair forest bore a poignant testimony to the D-Day landings for more than six decades. Thousands of American soldiers stationed there after the liberation of Normandy spent their spare hours with a knife or bayonet creating a lasting reminder of their presence.
Although the trees grew and the graffiti swelled and twisted, this most peculiar memory of one of the 20th century’s defining moments remained visible - until now. Amid bureaucratic indifference and a dispute between officials and the forest owner, most of the trees have been felled, chopped up and turned into paper.
Claude Quétel, a French historian and Second World War specialist, was horrified when he discovered what he called a catastrophe and a shameless act. “It is a typically French failing to wipe out the traces of the past,” he told The Times. “I am indignant.”
Local people are calling for the few “name trees” that still stand to be classified as historic monuments and saved from the same fate. “It should have been done a long time ago,” said Nicolas Navarro, the curator of a Second World War museum in the grounds of his family’s 13th-century Château du Taillis near by. “It’s sad and pathetic that it wasn’t.”
The trees surrounded land in the heart of Saint Pierre de Varengeville-Duclair forest, near Rouen in Normandy, which was once home to a US army camp named after the Twenty Grand brand of cigarettes. It was one of nine cigarette camps - along with Pall Mall, Old Gold, Philip Morris, Chesterfield, Lucky Strike, Home Run, Wings and Herbert