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I LOVE LOOSEY LUCY
By Fayner | September 25, 2008
First off, let me say that not in one million years would I ever think I’d be writing about an I Love Lucy porno movie. Ever. And that is why I am frightened.
But I am a journalist, and there is a code amongst us to always look for a good story, no matter how silly and scary that story is.
And ever since I heard that redheads don’t feel pain, I’ve found it discomforting even talking about them. Which is why when I said I would go down to the Hustler shoot for Everybody Loves Lucy I smacked myself hard in the face right afterwards.
Why the fuck would you do that?!
Is there anymore useless information I can bore you with before actually writing about the porn set I went down to visit yesterday? I can think of some, but today I think I will spare you from that even though right now as you’re reading this I’m wasting your time saying absolutely nothing about nothing and yet you keep on reading. If there were more than 300 readers of this site I would have to say this country has a serious educational problem.
I once caught my friend Neil’s dad beating off in the bath tub one late night when I was crashing at his house. There was splashing….then faster splashing….then faster….faster….fast…..boom! BOOM!!!!!!
Sorry, I can’t help myself.
So I went at the time I was supposed to be there. People were in the make-up chairs. Don’t you know who I am? I felt like saying. You shoot when I show up! Do you understand what I’m saying to you?!
I wish that’s how the world bounces. Nope. I get as much respect as a chick who takes her teeth out before giving you head.
Wait, is that a good thing or a bad? I’m confused royally now.
No, I would show a chick who took out her teeth out as she began lapping on my dick zero to not much respect at all.
So I was right? God I hope so.
Either way, I’m just saying that having a bunch of young pot smoking chicks move in makes Fayner babble about nothing.
So I went home and came back when Hustler Video Publicist Julie Ambrose called me. She is a very sweet gal. Almost too sweet. I kept an eye on her, not sure if she was going to make me a cup of tea and tuck me in to bed or jump on a table and jam a giant dildo in her ass. I could have gone for either, to tell you the truth.
Chatted with Otto Bauer, who if you don’t know, is an Austrian Social Democrat who is considered one of the leading thinkers of the left socialist Austro-Marxist tendency. He was also an early inspiration for both the for New Left movement and Eurocommunism in their attempt to find a “Third way” to democratic socialism.
Wait…no? Did I get him mixed up with another Otto Bauer?
Geez, what is wrong with me?!!!!
This Otto Bauer is that nasty guy who does nasty things to his wife Audrey Hollander’s asshole, which is starring along with the rest of her body in this movie as Lucy to Otto’s Ricky.
Scary, right? Couldn’t be more from the characters on the show. Well, I’m sure they were all kinda freaky in their private lives…
I’m brought to a room where Audrey is getting fucked by some guy in an space helmet and moon boots. Probably the last thing I’d ever expect to see in an I Love Lucy porn parody, but more power to ‘em. Audrey looks exactly like Lucy. The guy looks exactly like a oiled up guy in space helmet and moon boots, whatever you choose to say it looks like.
Then some other naked guy in a space helmet and one moon boot (the other foot had blue tape all over it) who was sitting in the corner jerking off comes up and says hi as he’s going outside to take a piss. He leaves the door open. The director yells to me: “Close the fucking door!” I say “I didn’t fucking leave it open!” “Yes you did!” One of the workers says to him, “It wasn’t him, it was the naked guy!” “I don’t fucking care, just close it!”
I closed it on my way out. I’ve seen enough to write a story.
Never a fan of the series, but I’m looking forward to seeing this ’cause Audrey always does something shocking and as a journalist that is my job.
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